Planet Dasani

Population: 12

DJ: Sabine Blazin

Planet Dasani is ruled by pisces. It’s a land of rivers, dreams, and extreme hydration, governed by giant fish the size of a truck. You can also spot the luminescent dolphins and Aquafina, the lone narwhal. Take a hike to Poland Springs for some deep relaxation, or go kayaking in Lake Evian. Perhaps you’re feeling a bubble bath at the Perrier Piers spa?

Planet Fitness AKA Planet Bootysweat

Population: 5,000

DJ: Lao Gan Mami

Planet Fitness is made entirely out of polyester. You can recognize its citizens by their high ponies, popping veins and impeccable asses. This is a culture where there is no gain without pain BUT who cares when that pain comes in the form of high-intensity Zumba! The love language of Planet Fitness is dance aerobics, and the religion is Jane Fonda’s Original Workout Series from 1982.

Planet Discotrek

Population: 30,000

DJ: Duane Island

In Planet Discotrék the beats are big but the hair is even bigger. Its citizens bathe in Campari and eat whole cigarettes for breakfast. The landscape consists entirely of open-air clubs and glitter beaches. While club-hopping in Planet Discotrék, please be mindful of any rogue femme-bots who are very good at convincing cruise-goers to stay there forever.